Gaming, my great escape.

So... last time, I was talking about 3 weeks off work, trying to avoid a meltdown.

It worked. The secret was cutting off the emails. First few days, I had bouts of withdrawal syndrome but it wasn’t too bad. Slept many many hours. And did almost nothing for the first two weeks. As planned : a daily walk, good food, a trip to the city now and then. Christmas with my daughters. New Year’s with one of my daughters and her in-laws (really great people).

Went back to work in the second week of January in good shape. Much better than I thought.

But the «drive» isn’t quite 100%. That’s ok. It shouldn’t be. Part of my problem is not knowing how much is enough nor how much is too much. So I’m working on that. Again. Still.

It’s a bit easier now. I have a new passion. Maybe it’s just another addiction. Guild Wars 2. Yeah. Last July, for my daughter’s birthday, I accepted to «game» a few minutes on her computer. I was really bad but... I sort of liked it. Perfect for the «I have no idea what I’m doing... but I like it» meme.

Glad to share her interest in the game, my daughter got me my own access. And... I was hooked. So many hours. Such a great escape. During my weeks of rest, I admit, I gamed a lot. Some days just sunk into to the abyss of the game. No guilt though. I find that I have developed new areas in my brain. Lots of learning and multi-tasking. Another great thing about it is when I can game with my daughter. We skype while gaming. We do dungeons, fractals and boss runs. And we talk about stuff, not just game stuff. It has actually brought us closer. Really nice.

Sometimes, I’m at work and I think about the game. I look forward to diving into a different world in the evening. And most days, I leave a little earlier so that I can eat supper before Teq (GW2 gamers will know...).

So yeah. I game. Not bold enough to say I’m a gamer (unless as a joke). But I’m not too shabby at it... and sometime next Summer, I’ll be wielding a legendary weapon.

Yeah, I'm done.

Earlier this week, I told my boss that I had decided to take 3 weeks off. Completely off. No redirected emails, no calls, no little help here and there, no coming in for an hour or two. Taking three weeks off is one thing – and it’s easier during the Holidays. But... I realize that cutting off the emails isn’t as easy. As the week went by, I felt a nagging resistance. Not really from others (though some events today showed me that maybe some didn’t quite embrace my decision). It mostly came from myself. Maybe I should keep an eye on the emails just in case...

NO.

For the past years, I was never really on vacation. I would have access to all emails... and I would follow up on the «important» ones. It wasn’t imposed on me. I wanted it that way. I didn’t mind. But now, people are used to me being available at all times. Nights, weekends, and vacations too.

As said before... my present state is not new to me. Been there. Done that.

But this is the first time I pull the plug on my own, before a doctor told me to do it (though I know that if I did see a doctor today, I would get that call). I think it is the right decision. I hope it’s not too late. I hope three weeks will be enough. But somewhere deep inside, I know it won’t. Thus the email break.

This is NOT a vacation. This is a health leave.

Disconnecting will be difficult. The main subject of my job is on the news all the time. It’s in my Facebook feed. And other social media too. I can’t avoid the subject completely.

I will do the best I can. I will try to be just myself for the next three weeks. Not to be «what I do for work». I really need to get off the train for a while. So...

A daily walk in my small town or in the surrounding forest.

At least one good meal a day.

A drive to the City once in a while.

Visit some friends.

Early to bed... and rise whenever I want.

I'm done. For three weeks.

And then... we'll see. 

Am I done yet ?

When you’re in the mess of a downward spiral at work... knowing when to leave is crucial. Are you out of order for a month or for a year? Stick around and we'll see...

Have I crossed that dreadful line of a full blown burnout?

Can I still hang on for a while before crossing the line?

Today after lunch, walking back to work, every cell in my body was screaming «NO, don’t go back! Please don’t go back». But I walked on.

This morning had not been particularly different from others.

Came to work with a few things planned in my mind. Finally getting this long due thing done and sifting through the hundreds of emails that have accumulated since last Wednesday. But, as usual, things did not go as planned. First, a last minute phone meeting that lasted for over an hour. Then another phone meeting I was asked to lead (but I actually had no idea what we were supposed to do). Then the media calls kicked in. Something big had come up in the news. 

Usual day at the mill...

But lately, my tolerance to constant change and to sudden pressure is down to about zero... maybe even less. So I had trouble coping. Felt trapped and overwhelmed.

At the end of the morning, I had crossed absolutely nothing off my lists. Just got whipped around from one thing to the other for 3 hours. Then I had a little meltdown just before leaving for lunch. Simply because a coworker interrupted me as I was asking her to help me out with something. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help. Quite the contrary, she was glad to. But that interruption was sort of a last straw and I blew my top. And left in a huff.

Monday morning. The week had just started and I was already at the end of my rope.

Once home, I was unable to eat. Nausea again. Wrote an email to tell the president that I couldn’t write that «urgent» press release under pressure today. And then I just sat there thinking of the shitload of stuff that «must» be done ASAP... and from deep inside... a little voice repeated «I can’t take it anymore, get out».

I didn’t want to go back up that hill, back to that desk with the shitloads of stuff that keeps piling up like an endless avalanche, back to the permanent emergency mode that can never be turned off.

I’m usually a pretty tough cookie. I can handle pressure.

Usually.

But I need a break. A long break. A really long break.

How long the break will need to be depends on how long I hang on while I spiral down into hell. 

So am I done yet ? 

Decadent chocolate cake ? No thank you....

When you’re a chocolate lover like I am, you know things aren’t right if even a slice of decadent chocolate cake doesn’t turn you on.

Went food shopping today. I hadn’t really eaten anything significant since I got up this morning. A slice of bread and some coffee. Was even feeling a little weak in the knees from lack of nourishment. But everything seems disgusting.

Salty ? Nah.

Sweet ? Erk.

Meat ? Bof.

Veggies ? Not really.

Jell-O ? Ok, maybe Jell-O. 

I must go.

It’s been quite a ride.

But I am once again at my breaking point.

I work hard. I put in long productive hours.

I like work.

I get tired sometimes and try to slow down a while.

But... other times, I get sucked into a wild spiral.

I can’t stop. There’s too much to do. And people are counting on me.

This time, jobs are at stake. Mine and those of others. People I like and respect very much.

And this time, I’m not alone on the wild ride. It’s a bit easier to hang on.

But there’s always a breaking point somewhere ahead. And I know it, even as I push «impossible» to new limits almost every day.

I know it because I’ve seen it before. Twice.

So for the third time in my life, I’m falling apart. Some call it burn out.

I say this with detachment. Resignation.

I saw it coming. I kept a close eye on the well known signs. I managed it all pretty well.

It’s different this time though. No emotional excesses. Just a certain numbness, quietly growing.

A few weeks ago, I told some co-workers : the magic is gone, and I don’t know if it will come back.

But I kept pushing through each day. Trying very hard to keep some sort of enthusiasm.

At one point though, the body starts to fight back. Also known signs. Appetite down. Frequent nausea. Sleep disruption. The downward spiral is on.

These alarm bells have been ringing on and off for a few months now. Non-stop for the last few weeks. The end is near.

And finally, the wall.

Brain malfunction.

Short term memory... out. When I say out, I mean completely out. Not like you forgot something but when reminded you remember. You just do not remember. It isn’t there. Just a huge gaping hole.

You see the document that you wrote a week or two ago. That morning, you thought it was still on your «to do» list... but there it is, all done. It’s your work but you have absolutely no memory of having worked on it.

Every day, you notice more and more of these memory holes.

Freaky. But I’ve been there before. So this time is a little less unsettling.

I didn’t give up. I gave everything I had. Everything.

But I will not make it to the finishing line.

I must go. And mend my broken body and soul.

But don't worry. I’ll be OK.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

The Solitaire Mystery - life is amazing

I just finished reading The Solitaire Mystery by Jostein Gaarder. His novel Sophie’s World is better known for sure but The Solitaire Mystery is my favorite Gaarder novel. And I have read a few...

This is not my first reading of the book. This was, at least, the fourth time... It seems that every time I read it, I retain something different. This time I have taken notice of the message about being conscious every day, every moment possible, of the fact that being alive is one great mystery. This pops out so clearly that I am surprised that I hadn’t seen it before, at least not like this. As for the insight I might have picked up from previous readings... I can’t seem to remember. All I know is that I loved the book every time!

The Solitaire Mystery is a philosophical tale, though not as wide as Sophie’s World. Many different angles are addressed but the main line is that we all should be very surprised of being alive and of all that surrounds us on this planet. But most humans are totally oblivious and walk their lives as if blind. When we are born, as babies and then as children, we ARE all quite surprised and amazed about EVERYTHING. As the years go by, we slowly get used to it until one day, everything seems normal... even boring.

We then reach for the magical feeling by searching for anything that seems «not of this world»: coincidences, spirits, god, luck... But we do not notice the simple wonder of being live, conscious beings, part of the long history of this planet, in this universe. We have forgotten that the simple fact of being born is against all odds. And that every day and every thing is a mystery to be amazed at.

I’ve been thinking about this on and off over the past few years, and sporadically trying to develop the «habit» of amazement. I should say to regain the capacity for amazement.

Today, as I walked to my office to put in a few hours of work, I looked at my surroundings more closely than I usually do and found many amazing things. Lines of chairs on almost every porch tell of family evenings sharing stories, an old fence post all gray with moss, a white cat sulking in the sun, a few leaves swishing in the wind. Things humans built, decaying slowing, plant life, clouds, insects, warmth of the sun, and wind on my skin. I just let my senses take every detail in as if for the first time. Sound, smell, texture, colour envelop me every moment of the day as I breathe in and breathe out, alive on this planet, part of a line of life that began long ago and will continue long after I am gone.

What will be left of my passage here? Certainly nothing I have done or created – even if I built a pyramid, the endlessness of time would one day render that to dust too. But maybe some of my thoughts will go on... because time can not destroy thoughts.

September memory

I can feel the warmth of the sun from that late September day. A weekend workshop on non violent communication. After lunch, I walked around the gardens taking in the wonderful weather and the morning's learning. It was an awakening experience. A difficult process that calls for constant self consciousness and active listening. Some days I succeed - but only momentarily. Other days (most), I'm as blind as I was before. This photo brings me back to that weekend when I realized that I already instinctively knew this stuff but didn't know how to use it. Since then, I have also understood, as all that embark in non violent communication, that constant, daily and voluntary efforts are needed to live in peace with oneself and one another. But when you do, the love within feels like that warm late September sun....

Beauty within

I choose a photo that speaks to me in the moment... then I post it here and write what the image brings to my mind. Or, sometimes I have something in mind and I go around the house with my camera searching for the shot that could illustrate my state of mind. 

That's how it usually works.

This time though... I started with this old shot in mind. I like it very much. It's part of a little series of five or six photos. Probably workers' cabins. The Queen Elizabeth cruise ship in Quebec City's port last Summer. The plants in these windows stood out against the dull gray colour of the hull. Orchids. Not in all windows, but two or three. And colourful pots. 

Beauty within. The cabins are probably not very fancy. Rather basic, I suppose. But there were flowers in the windows. Orchids.

I have lost touch, maybe just slightly, with my inner beauty. Or I just feel it slipping away. And can't seem to hold on. Lazy effort now and then to keep the light on and let it shine outward again. But fog surrounds my mind. Soft and grayish. The light can't go far. As if there was nothing to shine upon.

Don't read any moodiness into this. I'm not really uncomfortable about it. As I write this, it's as if I'm watching from a distance. I feel no pain. Just observing, taking note. 

Through my life, I have made a habit of cultivating my inner garden. But lately, I've just been standing in the middle of it. And time seems to have halted to a stop. I breathe in and out. And my inner world follows the movement. I hold my breath and all is still. Still life. 

Still life is not life.

But I am here. 

I am alive. 

And I will shine again.

Breathe in...

Breathe out.

My life now.

My life now. I am here. All around, there seems to be no point of focus. Dimensions are blurred. Past, present and futur in one brush of colour. It's all so calm. I feel like I could hang around for a long time.

On the other hand... I know I must move on. The weather will change. I will need a road or at least some point of reference or interest to continue my travels. 

All around, there seems to be no point of focus. 

And though I feel fine.

I know it won't do for long. 

That I will soon again want direction.

I will search for depth. 

And crave for more colour.

An urge for structure will surface.

For now, I float through each day. Rather pointlessly. 

Knowing very well that the longer I stay here, the harder it will be to leave.

Ship at sea... Empty dock... Depends how you look at it.

It is actually both. Ship at sea AND empty dock.
Last post... May 2011. Let's catch up.
June was probably, as usual, a hectic month at work. Not worth mentioning.
Love-hate relationship with that job.
July was vacation.
August, my eldest moved out.


September, and October were crappy months at work - trying to make things different and getting nowhere. But coaching helping me see MYSELF differently and going somewhere for sure.


November was new job month ! Found a wonderful place where my qualifications are needed and appreciated. Great pay. Great team. Great job. Environmental activism. Fits me just fine !


December was for still breaking into the new work and planning a move. Office is an hour's drive from home.


January 2012 my youngest and last moved out. EMPTY NEST. 
Found a wonderful house for rent in small town where my job is.
Sublet my appartement this week.


Move to a small town planned for end of March.


New period in my life I've felt creeping up... has now arrived.
On my own again. 
Feel like I have to learn how to live all over.


I've been using my job as crutch. 
Leaning on it to fill all the empty holes in my life with.
Need to find some sort balance. Will work on that later.... ''SIGH''


For now, I plan on using the move as an excuse to lighten my load. 
Going to get rid of much crap I've been dragging around for years.

Life

Last Saturday, I was in Montreal to visit an art exhibition. I went a little trigger happy with my camera (went through two sets of batteries!) The exhibit featured art students' works from all over the province. My daughter was one of the selected. It was wonderful to see her in this environment. Following her group of friends in the hall, I kept clicking away with the camera.... This photo stood out. The energy in their step, heads high, all attitude ! This is their world now. Life at its best. Young adults, ready to fly. Go ahead my «little» one !

Exposition intercollegial d'arts plastiques

Catalogue

I am not a rock

It seemed she was doing better. The healing was in progress. So I thought. She fell back. Sorrow filling her life and overflowing through her eyes everyday. She needs me, I can feel it. She just wants me to be there, with her. And I want to be like a rock. Solid. Something she can lean on. But I am not. I can offer a pebble or two of thought. I can help her gather her feelings and sort them through. But in this instance there is not much more I can do. So little. So fragile is the presence I offer. The pain she is hauling, I know to be very deep. I can only imagine... and admire her strength. But will she overcome this without harm ? Will she ever give her heart this way again ? I am afraid. The darkness she is traveling through, I could not face. I will not leave her to walk alone. But I am not a rock. I am not.

Mothership

For the past few weeks, my attention has been turned toward my daughter, going through a difficult breakup. This situation called for all my love and concentration. My existence was synched to her needs. To listen mostly. To sigh with her. To hold her. And then some guiding. But she found her own way most of the time.

Funny how life works sometimes. I was facing something that seemed overwhelming. It took up so much space in my mind. It was so big, I didn't know where to begin. But this little hiatus from myself gave me some distance and actually may have helped. I'm still overwhelmed but in a quite different way. Of course, I would have preferred not to see my daughter get hurt. But being the Mothership in such a beautiful way did me much good. I discovered in my daughter a wonderfully strong young woman, and the strength of our relationship was once again confirmed.

The journey has been long. But I have done good.

PHOTO : Mia, sculpture by Renée Bolduc (detail). One of my three sculptures by this artist. If it was up to me, I'd have one in every room of the house !

Puzzled

On with the puzzle metaphor mentionned in a previous post. This is what my soul feels like right now. A bunch of pieces that need to be assembled. BUT I don't know what the reference image is. I just have a pile a pieces that don't seem to have anything to do with each other. Here and there, a colour or a texture maybe. Otherwise, just a mess.

That's where the metaphor stops for me. With a puzzle, you'd start by turning each piece to see it's colour. Spreading them out. Then putting together the pieces that seem to go together. Setting aside borders and corners... But I can't do this with my life. Or can I ?

Now what ?

Ok. So I found the last piece. Well, it's not the last piece but it's a big one. It's a key. It unscrambles many parts of my life. Many things fit now... that did not fit before. But I still do not understand. I am unable to see. And I lack the strenth to look into this new light, to dig into the drawers and pull out the things I so carefully folded away. What now ? I don't know what to do with this. But I do. And I won't... But I should. Or not.

Treason

What a crazy come back to this blog... I neglect it for a year and a half then suddenly start babbling away about my mental battles ! Well, those are the bubbles that are coming up right now... And they're coming up as in boiling water.

I don't think I'm very different from most people. Everybody has a string of psychological pearls to deal with. Well, maybe I have a few more than the average person. I know I've searched more than most to find ways to cope in life without actually going crazy or, at least, without showing how strange I feel inside. People who know me would probably laugh and think I'm joking if they read these latest posts. The rare ones who really know me on a deeper level would also laugh because they know I'm laughing about it too.... Most of the time.

But not lately. I'm looking at moments of my life that I have kept buried for many many years. For good reason. When I bring them to the surface, the reaction is physical... heart pumping faster and harder, pressure on my chest, rythm change in respiration, heat wave through my body, like an adrenalin rush.

Last night, while taking a walk, something hit me. Hard. It stopped me in my tracks.

I was conditionned with manipulating, hypocritical imitations of love. Love that turns to treason. You lower your guard, and bang! whatever you let out is used later as a bullet to your soul. The worst did not come from negligence or psychological violence, it came from the treason, from the way that affection and tenderness were used to open my heart and stick a knife into it.

When this hit me, I was trying to «talk» to the 5, 6 or 7 year old version of myself.... with flashes of memories coming through in horrible waves. I was identifying the neglect and the violence, talking to the little girl through different fragments of memories. And then I saw clearly, for the first time, that it was the treason that killed me. No more talking now ! I can't even cope with that as an adult.... love = treason. Sticking that to the social patterns of my life is like turning on a blinding light.

Silence !

Haven't been sleeping very well lately. I toss & turn, wake up often and have strange dreams.

Must silence my mind.

Can't I just forget ? And simply continue applying the survival techniques I've developped through the years ?
Pretend that everything is just fine ?

No, because my brain just won't shut up. Images, memories keep popping up. Long forgotten impressions creep up from behind. Faces, words, places. And the links between these and the mentionned survival techniques. Then the impact of these strategies on my my life, actions and choices - some good, some no so...

Why now ? Can I run away ? Again ? How ? Another strategy ?

But first, I must make it stop.

SILENCE ! Please... I'm tired now.

Loner, that's all.

My journey has been a long one. I'm still moving. Trying to understand myself.

Reading, introspection and sometimes therapy have helped me grow. But there's point beyond which I have always refused to go, knowing that I was not ready. Is the time coming ? I don't know. But things are rumbling inside.

Certain words have popped up recurrently during my journey.
Borderline. Schizoid. Avoidant. Just ''traits'', I've been told, just traits.
When I research these traits... I do recognize myself in some of the patterns. More so in my younger years.

And yes, I have abandonment and attachment issues too. Don't we all.
Have been said to be a ''highly sensitive person'' also.

But when I wander too close to these traits and issues and what I must look at to understand them, I fight back by saying ''hey, I'm just a loner and there's nothing wrong with that!' We all have our little demons...''

Still, I know I'll have to look in that mirror sooner or later.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loner

Loneliness is just a different perception of solitude

I am a loner. I feel just fine alone. I like the company of others but being alone is not really a problem... until I try to ''fix'' it. Once in a while, something or someone convinces me that it's wrong - or not normal - for me to be alone. Then I start looking for that ''someone'' to fill the void I'm supposed to feel. Then I get lonely. The solitude hurts where it didn't hurt before. Then I feel the void. Then I feel not normal. Then I wonder why I am alone. I wonder what's wrong with me ?

But...

Question for all those who are alone. Is being single necessarily a sign of something wrong ? Something to fix ? What if I am happy alone ? Does that make me abnormal ? Of course I sometimes miss companionship and sharing and tenderness. But it doesn't really hurt if I don't dwell on it. Am I simply avoiding a problem ?

I've been in a relationships before. Some lasted many years. Years during which I often longed for my solitude.

That's all. Just a few surfacing bubbles tonight after a short evening at a singles' event in a bar in town. Felt out of place. Wanted to leave as soon as I got there.

My new toy

And some «starter» shots