Yeah, I'm done.

Earlier this week, I told my boss that I had decided to take 3 weeks off. Completely off. No redirected emails, no calls, no little help here and there, no coming in for an hour or two. Taking three weeks off is one thing – and it’s easier during the Holidays. But... I realize that cutting off the emails isn’t as easy. As the week went by, I felt a nagging resistance. Not really from others (though some events today showed me that maybe some didn’t quite embrace my decision). It mostly came from myself. Maybe I should keep an eye on the emails just in case...

NO.

For the past years, I was never really on vacation. I would have access to all emails... and I would follow up on the «important» ones. It wasn’t imposed on me. I wanted it that way. I didn’t mind. But now, people are used to me being available at all times. Nights, weekends, and vacations too.

As said before... my present state is not new to me. Been there. Done that.

But this is the first time I pull the plug on my own, before a doctor told me to do it (though I know that if I did see a doctor today, I would get that call). I think it is the right decision. I hope it’s not too late. I hope three weeks will be enough. But somewhere deep inside, I know it won’t. Thus the email break.

This is NOT a vacation. This is a health leave.

Disconnecting will be difficult. The main subject of my job is on the news all the time. It’s in my Facebook feed. And other social media too. I can’t avoid the subject completely.

I will do the best I can. I will try to be just myself for the next three weeks. Not to be «what I do for work». I really need to get off the train for a while. So...

A daily walk in my small town or in the surrounding forest.

At least one good meal a day.

A drive to the City once in a while.

Visit some friends.

Early to bed... and rise whenever I want.

I'm done. For three weeks.

And then... we'll see. 

Am I done yet ?

When you’re in the mess of a downward spiral at work... knowing when to leave is crucial. Are you out of order for a month or for a year? Stick around and we'll see...

Have I crossed that dreadful line of a full blown burnout?

Can I still hang on for a while before crossing the line?

Today after lunch, walking back to work, every cell in my body was screaming «NO, don’t go back! Please don’t go back». But I walked on.

This morning had not been particularly different from others.

Came to work with a few things planned in my mind. Finally getting this long due thing done and sifting through the hundreds of emails that have accumulated since last Wednesday. But, as usual, things did not go as planned. First, a last minute phone meeting that lasted for over an hour. Then another phone meeting I was asked to lead (but I actually had no idea what we were supposed to do). Then the media calls kicked in. Something big had come up in the news. 

Usual day at the mill...

But lately, my tolerance to constant change and to sudden pressure is down to about zero... maybe even less. So I had trouble coping. Felt trapped and overwhelmed.

At the end of the morning, I had crossed absolutely nothing off my lists. Just got whipped around from one thing to the other for 3 hours. Then I had a little meltdown just before leaving for lunch. Simply because a coworker interrupted me as I was asking her to help me out with something. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help. Quite the contrary, she was glad to. But that interruption was sort of a last straw and I blew my top. And left in a huff.

Monday morning. The week had just started and I was already at the end of my rope.

Once home, I was unable to eat. Nausea again. Wrote an email to tell the president that I couldn’t write that «urgent» press release under pressure today. And then I just sat there thinking of the shitload of stuff that «must» be done ASAP... and from deep inside... a little voice repeated «I can’t take it anymore, get out».

I didn’t want to go back up that hill, back to that desk with the shitloads of stuff that keeps piling up like an endless avalanche, back to the permanent emergency mode that can never be turned off.

I’m usually a pretty tough cookie. I can handle pressure.

Usually.

But I need a break. A long break. A really long break.

How long the break will need to be depends on how long I hang on while I spiral down into hell. 

So am I done yet ? 

Decadent chocolate cake ? No thank you....

When you’re a chocolate lover like I am, you know things aren’t right if even a slice of decadent chocolate cake doesn’t turn you on.

Went food shopping today. I hadn’t really eaten anything significant since I got up this morning. A slice of bread and some coffee. Was even feeling a little weak in the knees from lack of nourishment. But everything seems disgusting.

Salty ? Nah.

Sweet ? Erk.

Meat ? Bof.

Veggies ? Not really.

Jell-O ? Ok, maybe Jell-O. 

I must go.

It’s been quite a ride.

But I am once again at my breaking point.

I work hard. I put in long productive hours.

I like work.

I get tired sometimes and try to slow down a while.

But... other times, I get sucked into a wild spiral.

I can’t stop. There’s too much to do. And people are counting on me.

This time, jobs are at stake. Mine and those of others. People I like and respect very much.

And this time, I’m not alone on the wild ride. It’s a bit easier to hang on.

But there’s always a breaking point somewhere ahead. And I know it, even as I push «impossible» to new limits almost every day.

I know it because I’ve seen it before. Twice.

So for the third time in my life, I’m falling apart. Some call it burn out.

I say this with detachment. Resignation.

I saw it coming. I kept a close eye on the well known signs. I managed it all pretty well.

It’s different this time though. No emotional excesses. Just a certain numbness, quietly growing.

A few weeks ago, I told some co-workers : the magic is gone, and I don’t know if it will come back.

But I kept pushing through each day. Trying very hard to keep some sort of enthusiasm.

At one point though, the body starts to fight back. Also known signs. Appetite down. Frequent nausea. Sleep disruption. The downward spiral is on.

These alarm bells have been ringing on and off for a few months now. Non-stop for the last few weeks. The end is near.

And finally, the wall.

Brain malfunction.

Short term memory... out. When I say out, I mean completely out. Not like you forgot something but when reminded you remember. You just do not remember. It isn’t there. Just a huge gaping hole.

You see the document that you wrote a week or two ago. That morning, you thought it was still on your «to do» list... but there it is, all done. It’s your work but you have absolutely no memory of having worked on it.

Every day, you notice more and more of these memory holes.

Freaky. But I’ve been there before. So this time is a little less unsettling.

I didn’t give up. I gave everything I had. Everything.

But I will not make it to the finishing line.

I must go. And mend my broken body and soul.

But don't worry. I’ll be OK.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.