I must go.

It’s been quite a ride.

But I am once again at my breaking point.

I work hard. I put in long productive hours.

I like work.

I get tired sometimes and try to slow down a while.

But... other times, I get sucked into a wild spiral.

I can’t stop. There’s too much to do. And people are counting on me.

This time, jobs are at stake. Mine and those of others. People I like and respect very much.

And this time, I’m not alone on the wild ride. It’s a bit easier to hang on.

But there’s always a breaking point somewhere ahead. And I know it, even as I push «impossible» to new limits almost every day.

I know it because I’ve seen it before. Twice.

So for the third time in my life, I’m falling apart. Some call it burn out.

I say this with detachment. Resignation.

I saw it coming. I kept a close eye on the well known signs. I managed it all pretty well.

It’s different this time though. No emotional excesses. Just a certain numbness, quietly growing.

A few weeks ago, I told some co-workers : the magic is gone, and I don’t know if it will come back.

But I kept pushing through each day. Trying very hard to keep some sort of enthusiasm.

At one point though, the body starts to fight back. Also known signs. Appetite down. Frequent nausea. Sleep disruption. The downward spiral is on.

These alarm bells have been ringing on and off for a few months now. Non-stop for the last few weeks. The end is near.

And finally, the wall.

Brain malfunction.

Short term memory... out. When I say out, I mean completely out. Not like you forgot something but when reminded you remember. You just do not remember. It isn’t there. Just a huge gaping hole.

You see the document that you wrote a week or two ago. That morning, you thought it was still on your «to do» list... but there it is, all done. It’s your work but you have absolutely no memory of having worked on it.

Every day, you notice more and more of these memory holes.

Freaky. But I’ve been there before. So this time is a little less unsettling.

I didn’t give up. I gave everything I had. Everything.

But I will not make it to the finishing line.

I must go. And mend my broken body and soul.

But don't worry. I’ll be OK.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.