Am I done yet ?

When you’re in the mess of a downward spiral at work... knowing when to leave is crucial. Are you out of order for a month or for a year? Stick around and we'll see...

Have I crossed that dreadful line of a full blown burnout?

Can I still hang on for a while before crossing the line?

Today after lunch, walking back to work, every cell in my body was screaming «NO, don’t go back! Please don’t go back». But I walked on.

This morning had not been particularly different from others.

Came to work with a few things planned in my mind. Finally getting this long due thing done and sifting through the hundreds of emails that have accumulated since last Wednesday. But, as usual, things did not go as planned. First, a last minute phone meeting that lasted for over an hour. Then another phone meeting I was asked to lead (but I actually had no idea what we were supposed to do). Then the media calls kicked in. Something big had come up in the news. 

Usual day at the mill...

But lately, my tolerance to constant change and to sudden pressure is down to about zero... maybe even less. So I had trouble coping. Felt trapped and overwhelmed.

At the end of the morning, I had crossed absolutely nothing off my lists. Just got whipped around from one thing to the other for 3 hours. Then I had a little meltdown just before leaving for lunch. Simply because a coworker interrupted me as I was asking her to help me out with something. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to help. Quite the contrary, she was glad to. But that interruption was sort of a last straw and I blew my top. And left in a huff.

Monday morning. The week had just started and I was already at the end of my rope.

Once home, I was unable to eat. Nausea again. Wrote an email to tell the president that I couldn’t write that «urgent» press release under pressure today. And then I just sat there thinking of the shitload of stuff that «must» be done ASAP... and from deep inside... a little voice repeated «I can’t take it anymore, get out».

I didn’t want to go back up that hill, back to that desk with the shitloads of stuff that keeps piling up like an endless avalanche, back to the permanent emergency mode that can never be turned off.

I’m usually a pretty tough cookie. I can handle pressure.

Usually.

But I need a break. A long break. A really long break.

How long the break will need to be depends on how long I hang on while I spiral down into hell. 

So am I done yet ?