Life

Last Saturday, I was in Montreal to visit an art exhibition. I went a little trigger happy with my camera (went through two sets of batteries!) The exhibit featured art students' works from all over the province. My daughter was one of the selected. It was wonderful to see her in this environment. Following her group of friends in the hall, I kept clicking away with the camera.... This photo stood out. The energy in their step, heads high, all attitude ! This is their world now. Life at its best. Young adults, ready to fly. Go ahead my «little» one !

Exposition intercollegial d'arts plastiques

Catalogue

I am not a rock

It seemed she was doing better. The healing was in progress. So I thought. She fell back. Sorrow filling her life and overflowing through her eyes everyday. She needs me, I can feel it. She just wants me to be there, with her. And I want to be like a rock. Solid. Something she can lean on. But I am not. I can offer a pebble or two of thought. I can help her gather her feelings and sort them through. But in this instance there is not much more I can do. So little. So fragile is the presence I offer. The pain she is hauling, I know to be very deep. I can only imagine... and admire her strength. But will she overcome this without harm ? Will she ever give her heart this way again ? I am afraid. The darkness she is traveling through, I could not face. I will not leave her to walk alone. But I am not a rock. I am not.

Mothership

For the past few weeks, my attention has been turned toward my daughter, going through a difficult breakup. This situation called for all my love and concentration. My existence was synched to her needs. To listen mostly. To sigh with her. To hold her. And then some guiding. But she found her own way most of the time.

Funny how life works sometimes. I was facing something that seemed overwhelming. It took up so much space in my mind. It was so big, I didn't know where to begin. But this little hiatus from myself gave me some distance and actually may have helped. I'm still overwhelmed but in a quite different way. Of course, I would have preferred not to see my daughter get hurt. But being the Mothership in such a beautiful way did me much good. I discovered in my daughter a wonderfully strong young woman, and the strength of our relationship was once again confirmed.

The journey has been long. But I have done good.

PHOTO : Mia, sculpture by Renée Bolduc (detail). One of my three sculptures by this artist. If it was up to me, I'd have one in every room of the house !

Puzzled

On with the puzzle metaphor mentionned in a previous post. This is what my soul feels like right now. A bunch of pieces that need to be assembled. BUT I don't know what the reference image is. I just have a pile a pieces that don't seem to have anything to do with each other. Here and there, a colour or a texture maybe. Otherwise, just a mess.

That's where the metaphor stops for me. With a puzzle, you'd start by turning each piece to see it's colour. Spreading them out. Then putting together the pieces that seem to go together. Setting aside borders and corners... But I can't do this with my life. Or can I ?

Now what ?

Ok. So I found the last piece. Well, it's not the last piece but it's a big one. It's a key. It unscrambles many parts of my life. Many things fit now... that did not fit before. But I still do not understand. I am unable to see. And I lack the strenth to look into this new light, to dig into the drawers and pull out the things I so carefully folded away. What now ? I don't know what to do with this. But I do. And I won't... But I should. Or not.

Treason

What a crazy come back to this blog... I neglect it for a year and a half then suddenly start babbling away about my mental battles ! Well, those are the bubbles that are coming up right now... And they're coming up as in boiling water.

I don't think I'm very different from most people. Everybody has a string of psychological pearls to deal with. Well, maybe I have a few more than the average person. I know I've searched more than most to find ways to cope in life without actually going crazy or, at least, without showing how strange I feel inside. People who know me would probably laugh and think I'm joking if they read these latest posts. The rare ones who really know me on a deeper level would also laugh because they know I'm laughing about it too.... Most of the time.

But not lately. I'm looking at moments of my life that I have kept buried for many many years. For good reason. When I bring them to the surface, the reaction is physical... heart pumping faster and harder, pressure on my chest, rythm change in respiration, heat wave through my body, like an adrenalin rush.

Last night, while taking a walk, something hit me. Hard. It stopped me in my tracks.

I was conditionned with manipulating, hypocritical imitations of love. Love that turns to treason. You lower your guard, and bang! whatever you let out is used later as a bullet to your soul. The worst did not come from negligence or psychological violence, it came from the treason, from the way that affection and tenderness were used to open my heart and stick a knife into it.

When this hit me, I was trying to «talk» to the 5, 6 or 7 year old version of myself.... with flashes of memories coming through in horrible waves. I was identifying the neglect and the violence, talking to the little girl through different fragments of memories. And then I saw clearly, for the first time, that it was the treason that killed me. No more talking now ! I can't even cope with that as an adult.... love = treason. Sticking that to the social patterns of my life is like turning on a blinding light.

Silence !

Haven't been sleeping very well lately. I toss & turn, wake up often and have strange dreams.

Must silence my mind.

Can't I just forget ? And simply continue applying the survival techniques I've developped through the years ?
Pretend that everything is just fine ?

No, because my brain just won't shut up. Images, memories keep popping up. Long forgotten impressions creep up from behind. Faces, words, places. And the links between these and the mentionned survival techniques. Then the impact of these strategies on my my life, actions and choices - some good, some no so...

Why now ? Can I run away ? Again ? How ? Another strategy ?

But first, I must make it stop.

SILENCE ! Please... I'm tired now.

Loner, that's all.

My journey has been a long one. I'm still moving. Trying to understand myself.

Reading, introspection and sometimes therapy have helped me grow. But there's point beyond which I have always refused to go, knowing that I was not ready. Is the time coming ? I don't know. But things are rumbling inside.

Certain words have popped up recurrently during my journey.
Borderline. Schizoid. Avoidant. Just ''traits'', I've been told, just traits.
When I research these traits... I do recognize myself in some of the patterns. More so in my younger years.

And yes, I have abandonment and attachment issues too. Don't we all.
Have been said to be a ''highly sensitive person'' also.

But when I wander too close to these traits and issues and what I must look at to understand them, I fight back by saying ''hey, I'm just a loner and there's nothing wrong with that!' We all have our little demons...''

Still, I know I'll have to look in that mirror sooner or later.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loner

Loneliness is just a different perception of solitude

I am a loner. I feel just fine alone. I like the company of others but being alone is not really a problem... until I try to ''fix'' it. Once in a while, something or someone convinces me that it's wrong - or not normal - for me to be alone. Then I start looking for that ''someone'' to fill the void I'm supposed to feel. Then I get lonely. The solitude hurts where it didn't hurt before. Then I feel the void. Then I feel not normal. Then I wonder why I am alone. I wonder what's wrong with me ?

But...

Question for all those who are alone. Is being single necessarily a sign of something wrong ? Something to fix ? What if I am happy alone ? Does that make me abnormal ? Of course I sometimes miss companionship and sharing and tenderness. But it doesn't really hurt if I don't dwell on it. Am I simply avoiding a problem ?

I've been in a relationships before. Some lasted many years. Years during which I often longed for my solitude.

That's all. Just a few surfacing bubbles tonight after a short evening at a singles' event in a bar in town. Felt out of place. Wanted to leave as soon as I got there.