I don't think I'm very different from most people. Everybody has a string of psychological pearls to deal with. Well, maybe I have a few more than the average person. I know I've searched more than most to find ways to cope in life without actually going crazy or, at least, without showing how strange I feel inside. People who know me would probably laugh and think I'm joking if they read these latest posts. The rare ones who really know me on a deeper level would also laugh because they know I'm laughing about it too.... Most of the time.
But not lately. I'm looking at moments of my life that I have kept buried for many many years. For good reason. When I bring them to the surface, the reaction is physical... heart pumping faster and harder, pressure on my chest, rythm change in respiration, heat wave through my body, like an adrenalin rush.
Last night, while taking a walk, something hit me. Hard. It stopped me in my tracks.
I was conditionned with manipulating, hypocritical imitations of love. Love that turns to treason. You lower your guard, and bang! whatever you let out is used later as a bullet to your soul. The worst did not come from negligence or psychological violence, it came from the treason, from the way that affection and tenderness were used to open my heart and stick a knife into it.
When this hit me, I was trying to «talk» to the 5, 6 or 7 year old version of myself.... with flashes of memories coming through in horrible waves. I was identifying the neglect and the violence, talking to the little girl through different fragments of memories. And then I saw clearly, for the first time, that it was the treason that killed me. No more talking now ! I can't even cope with that as an adult.... love = treason. Sticking that to the social patterns of my life is like turning on a blinding light.
